When Sheep Bite by Heather Moore

July 29th, 2017

It was the moment in between moments when all of creation was preparing for a new day. The moment when the moon had not yet relinquished its domain to fully submit to the rise of its counter. For me, it was the moment when my heart and spirit were alert while my mind was dreamily lifting it's lids. I awoke to a steady stream of tears coming down my face. As I am not prone to awake in a puddle of tears, I immediately searched out the source. "A bad dream? No." Suddenly, the answer arose as a silent cry from my soul; "Father, my heart is hurting and I can't fix it."

If you have pastored for any length of time you have experienced the "dark side" of shepherding people. They don't agree with your leadership, doctrine, decisions or style. They accuse and get offended. They are blind to their own past hurts that affect their perception of circumstances and ultimately of you. They refuse healing. They shun forgiveness. Sheep run! Sheep bite! And often when they run, they bite you on the way out.

Yep! We were in one of those moments. Moments upon moments stacked on top of each other. All exploding at once. I was doing all the things a good shepherd was supposed to do. Praying A LOT! Seeking the wisdom of the Holy Spirit and other counsel. Checking my attitude and motivations. Walking in grace and love. Responding not reacting (I'll own that I reacted once or twice). Looking back, I was doing everything a good soldier would do. Zipping up, moving forward, tending others wounds and clearing destruction. All along telling myself; "That didn't cut. That doesn't hurt! A good leader has thick skin and doesn't feel the bite."

But that was a lie...A couple of bites had broken skin and I was bleeding.

Thankfully my Great Shepherd knew...Early that morning He had spoken through conscience and my independent spirit, inviting me once again to be His sheep in His pasture.

Although I was heading into a very full day of family and travel plans to be with close friends we had not seen in awhile, I knew that silence, solitude and stillness were my "directives" for the day. I spoke with my understanding husband (he's the best) and sent (with a bit of guilt) my family off on their day long adventure without me. I gathered my Bible, journal, coffee, lit a candle (I need ambiance) and quieted my heart. As I began to write, Psalms 23 spilled out onto the pages.

At first, I thought; "Really? This one? This is one of the most well-known passages of the Bible. I have recited this since I was a 4 year old little girl (my mother has the tape to prove it)! Give me something vague and less well-known! Give me fresh revelation!" I am bit melodramatic; but how ironic that my Father knew that the 4 year old little girl would need those words etched across her heart to provide perspective, healing and restoration in her forties.

That day, as the shepherd cleaned, dressed and healed my wounds these deep truths (no, not just truths...PRAYERS) were a balm to my hurting heart.

"THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD"

I needed to be reminded that we pastors live in the duality of being both a shepherd and a sheep all at once. For me, my default is to be one or the other. In the morning, I am happy to be a sheep. Seeking. Listening. Feeding. Resting. Then, there is a shift. I take my sheep skin off and put my shepherds robe on. Though I am not consciously aware of my compartmentalization, my behavior gives me away. Yet, the invitation is to settle into the tension of the "both/and." To be "lead" and "lead" all at once. If I am not continually following where am I really leading?

"HE MAKES ME LIE DOWN"

I needed to be still. My Shepherd speaks to me in directives. It is usually the only way I will listen. I have had many moments in which He has said; "Heather, you lie down or I will make you lie down. Which do you want?" I have learned through a series of trials and errors to choose the first, and truly listen to what I need.

I need silence and solitude. I need to remove my self for a time from other's lives in order to give back life. It is a discipline that does not come easy when juggling many tasks and responsibilities. I have to say "no" to some good things in order to say "yes" to the important things.

I need to surrender. Remember the children's bedtime prayer? "Now I lay me down." I think about that when I get on my back, raise my hands to the air and choose vulnerability. I welcome exposure so that the shepherd can do what is needed, for as long as necessary, until He is ready to set me on my feet again. David's prayer in Psalms 139 is applicable; "Search me, O God and know my heart. Try me and know my thoughts."

"HE RESTORES MY SOUL"

I needed to grieve. I had loved these people, opened my heart and my home to them. Prayed with them. Cried with them. Brought meals to them. Helped them move. Celebrated birthdays with them. Even vacationed with them. Yet, in one moment, they had turned. I had to grieve the loss of community, family and belonging. I had to surrender my feelings of betrayal and anger at how easy it was for them to exit. Exit church. Exit people. Exit our lives.

I am not sure if we talk enough about what it means to grieve these moments while in ministry. But we must. There is a misconception that great leaders rise beyond these mere fleshly feelings. But Jesus did not even model that type of leadership. In fact, if we are truly loving, giving and ministering out of deep compassion, we are TRULY feeling. To be an emotionally stable pastor does not mean to not feel, it means to feel well. Think about the word well; "to do it in health." Don't dismiss it, bury it or medicate it. Address it and let the Shepherd heal it.

Second, I needed reflection. The only way for my soul to be restored was to reflect on my own behavior and repent of fleshly filters or decisions. We leaders have a "dark side" too. I had to choose to grow from the pain. Pain is one of our greatest teachers, bestowing important lessons on boundaries and broken fences, festering wounds and sensitive troubled spots. We discover more about ourselves, allowing us to later lead with further depth and clarity.

"HE LEADS ME IN PATHS OF RIGHTEOUSNESS FOR HIS NAME'S SAKE"

I needed hope. In that moment He whispered that recovery and healing were imminent. This was only a small part, a piece of the greater journey. He was leading and it was unto something greater than me, my ministry or New Hope North City. I also needed to change my view.

I was challenged to think outward and upward. As I was healing, how was I speaking? Was I behaving righteously in the middle of the moment, or had I developed a bitter edge with an entitled perspective?

When in the middle of a particularly hard trial, our tendency is to give into despair and offense. We can become self-absorbed and implode into a toxic cycle of "me!". Right perspective, right speaking and right thinking are important. Keep the focus upwards and outwards. Recognize that it's not really about you. It's about Him and His Kingdom. How you behave when sheep bite can give more glory to the Father than any sermon you will ever preach.

"HE PREPARES A TABLE BEFORE ME IN THE PRESENCE OF MY ENEMIES"

As I have walked this out, the test of my healed heart comes as community and ministry collide. How do I feel when a certain name comes up? What do I do when faced with certain individuals at a grocery store or soccer game? Do I wish a "happy birthday" on Facebook (oh yeah, I went there)?

Recently, my grocery store moment came. My automatic reaction was to say; "Hi. How are you doing?" and throw my arms around them. I do not share this to boast, as I see within myself no capacity to do this without divine help! Heather's capacity would be to turn her cart quickly down another aisle. Yet, internally I recognized that my Great Shepherd had fixed, expanded and protected my heart! I was free to love with authenticity, not having to be fake or contrived.

In writing this, my heart for you pastor, leader or shepherd is that when "sheep bite," you head straight to the Great Shepherd. Allow Him to clean, bind and heal your wounds. Model continual surrender! Experience personal restoration and witness His glorification in the process. Why? Because you cannot afford to be the walking wounded. There is still too much KINGDOM work for you to do!

For "SURELY, GOODNESS AND MERCY WILL FOLLOW YOU ALL THE DAYS OF YOUR LIFE AND YOU WILL DWELL IN THE HOUSE OF THE LORD FOREVER!"

Heather Moore