Abide by Kari Bulman
August 1st, 2018
I can remember being a small child and trying to hide my sin. One time, in the second grade, I stole from my classmates. I really wanted to buy this cookbook from the book fair at school. I can’t remember if I had asked my mom for money or not. All I can remember is that I REALLY wanted it. I wanted it badly enough to walk around my classroom and take coins off of my classmates’ desks; coins they had sitting out to buy lunch. I filled my pockets full. That cookbook was going to be mine...hardcore, I know. However, before I could make it to the book fair, my mom picked me up from school. When I went to get in the car the change went everywhere. I fumbled for excuses, but I couldn’t fool mom. I had blown it big time. I was a thief. I can still remember my urge to run and hide from my guilt and my shame in that situation.
As you can imagine, I have recovered from my sordid past. I can still clearly remember going back to each student that I stole from. With tears overflowing, I managed to get out apologies to each person. It was a hard lesson. One I still remember clearly.
What is interesting to me is that I still wrestle with the instinct to hide when I have done something wrong or when I am struggling. Instead of running straight to the Lord, I often waste precious time trying to figure things out on my own before I get close to Him. You see, somewhere deep inside I have a belief that He must not want to deal with me when I am messy. But that is not the God I have experienced. Every time I cry out to Him for forgiveness or help, He is always there. He has proven His faithfulness to me time and time again. So why do I still try to hide? Why do I still try to get through things on my own strength, when I know that I need Him? I honestly don’t know.
However, I am trying to shorten the cycle in my life. I have invited the Holy Spirit to show me when I am hiding because I don’t want to waste the days that He’s given me. Life is going to be hard. It. Just. Is. Jesus Himself said, “In this world you will have trouble”(Jn. 16:33). No one is exempt from troubles, they are just a part of life here on planet Earth. As much as we yearn for a trouble-free existence, that’s just not reality.
So, how?? How do I fight my urge to hide? I think the answer is found in John 15:5.
“I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.”
I have to retrain myself to abide with Him. That means allowing Him to have access to every part of me. I press into Him and in turn, I have to let Him in...to everything. This is a hard thing because in American culture we are trained to be guarded. Letting down my guard is a difficult thing, but if I am legitimately going to learn how to abide with Him, I have to try. As life’s difficulties arise, as they always do, I have to learn how to bring my mess to the only one who can truly help me.
When I am dealing with hurt.
Abide in me...let me heal your wounds. (Ps. 147:3)
When I am overwhelmed.
Abide in me...let me be your peace. (Phil.4:7)
When I don’t know what to do.
Abide in me...let me be your counselor. (Is.9:6)
When I am offended.
Abide in me...I will create a clean heart in you. (Ps.51:10)
When I am defensive.
Abide in me...I will be your defense. (Ps.28:7)
As a pastor and a leader, abiding with Him is critical. Jesus said it right when He said, “apart from me you can do nothing”. I need Him. I don’t just need Him for my own well-being. I need Him so that I can minister to those that He has trusted me to care for. I don’t have the luxury of hiding out for a while when things get difficult. I have to learn to run to Him or even drag myself and my mess to Him if needed. It’s the abiding love and tender nurturing hand of my Savior that untangles me when I am messy. This process is something that only the author and finisher of my faith is capable of accomplishing. More and more, when my fleshly instinct is to hide, I sense the gentle pull of the Holy Spirit calling me to abide with Him instead. It’s difficult and freeing at the same time. When I yield to Him I find my safe place, a safe place to abide.
Kari Bulman
